Listening to: everything and anything on my iTunes (one of those days)
I have come to a point in my life where I am comfortable, and I can say whole- heartedly, I am comfortable with myself. I know who I am as a person, I know what I want out of this lifetime and I know what I need to do myself to achieve this. I truly am blessed to have come to this point. It’s insane really to think that these trials and seemingly impossible tests of strength have fallen short of my true potential. I can sit here and write with ease, and feel the pulse run through me as I live and breathe because I have fought so incredibly hard and I deserve to be here. I have survived and lived to see past what was expected of me. Expectations yes, I was expected to live no more then a year remember. I wouldn’t expect three years, three craniotomies, two rounds of regional radiation and countless chemotherapies later I’d be here profoundly declaring the absolute amazing journey I am about to embark on while I keep this blessing of a battle I have brilliantly braved thus far in my heart as I wake each morning.
I told Marc yesterday that I finally feel like I know what I want. What I want. I didn’t expect it to be as weird for me as it ended up being. I felt almost like as I had to slowly let him know exactly what it was I planned to do with my life, career and mental choices for the future. As I spoke, each line became more slippery through my grasps as though I couldn’t take them back because I had confided in the man I had decided to spend my eternal forever with, and this was a solid commitment I couldn’t break. Maybe I was being dramatic, I mean it’s not like he would judge me if I accidentally would slip up and waver, but if you’re the only one who knows the roadmap and the exact plan then nobody can get mad at you right? But this man is the love of this life and I know of past lives and hopefully infinite lives that the universe allows. Opening up to him is part of this new sense of direction for me, and it will be really good for us.
I mean I understand that just because you say you’re going to change it doesn’t necessarily mean you’re going to do it, but this was different. I know I am going to do this, because it’s not just for my own self-care and well being, but it’s for those I truly care for and love. If I can’t take care of myself in every way, shape and form, how will I ever be able to take care of my relationships with the universe around me?
My psychological, emotional and physical health are so strong right now. My aura “invisible field of energy believed to radiate from person or object” feels amazing and clean because I choose to keep it that way. I don’t allow others to tarnish it with their negativity or their bad-vibes, it’s not worth it. It makes me literally sick. So I’ve been able to learn how to zone out and pick out the negativity from my surroundings, and only encompass myself in the goodness that is the lightness of positivity and those people you just are drawn to because they’re uplifting to your spirit and energy. It takes time and practice, but if you just slowly start putting yourself in those positions where there’s an insatiable craving for genuine happiness and make a conscious effort to be around this kind of energy, I think those situations will be more and more apparent.
“I didn’t always know what I wanted to do, but I knew what kind of woman I wanted to be“ -Diane Von Furstenberg